There were 7 of us – T, S, R, a couple, A and I. We drove down to Gorai and I remember as we drove down, “Kiss Me” by Six Pence None the Richer was playing and T and I were alone in the backseat. It was around seven in the evening and in those days one could see the stars and I hoped I would be kissed by him, however that did not happen. I was too hard on myself after this. One starts to think that one is not good enough after being rejected for the first time and god knows that was my first and many more were to come my way. So we reached Gorai and the weather was perfect. There was this chill in the air and I thought my heart would turn cold as well, however that did not happen. The waves crashed against the wall of the hotel that we were staying at. The others knew what I was feeling towards T and I am sure so did he, just that he was not that into me and well I was way too much into him. I don’t know why I get this way but that’s just the way I am. So back to T now. He was wearing this tight-fitting white t-shirt and shorts and boy oh boy was I smitten. For once, I did not give myself the credit of being better, of being smarter, of being better-looking than him. In retrospect, I wonder why. And while we were eating dinner and drinking, that it hit me. He would never like me no matter what I do or who I am, because he could not look beyond the physical me and never would. I was to realize sooner than later what-the-world-in-which-men-loved-men was all about. At that time, I was of the opinion that a man could never fall in love with another man. It was only about lust and sadly enough there were many men who proved my theory right.
I used to wonder if two men could really fall in love. Was it just about lust or was there more to it? There would be times when I would be scared to answer that question and then there would also be times like these when I knew the answer for certain and could face anything in the world, if I knew someone loved me the way I would love him. It’s strange – you grow up believing in all the things told to you about love and as you starting getting older, it all falls down like a pack of cards. As though it was never meant to be.
To take off on another tangent, I also vividly remember the time I came out to my family and when I say family I mean family. The works – the uncles, the aunts, the cousins, the friends and the ones who may be did not even matter at that time. I do not know what came over me. I guess it was just the feeling of being rejected by T. I wanted a voice and unfortunately “coming out” was the only voice I resorted to express myself.
The memory is clear and sometimes haunting. I was casually speaking with my cousin Sheetal and mentioned it to her in passing:
“I am gay you know”, I said. I was nineteen and was petrified.
“What?” she replied, as though she did not hear me the first time.
“I am gay”, I replied matter-of-factly.
“Yeah right and pigs have wings”. She refused to believe a word of what I was saying. She thought I was joking. Well does one joke about their sexual preference? Apparently some people seemed to and I didn’t know who they were.
“Listen to me Sheetal, I am not kidding. I am gay and the reason why I am telling you this is because I think you will be able to understand where I am coming from.”, I replied in a very stern voice. A voice no one was used to hearing in my house and that too coming from me.
She mumbled some vague utterances which I could not understand and told her I would call her back. This was in the day when I did not own a cell-phone. I had to rely on the so-called, “landline” for all communication purposes.
Being in a fix is something which best described my situation that at time. I was scared. What if she would tell everyone? How would they react? What would happen? At nineteen, I had no intention of being disowned and expelled by my folks. I loved them way too much for that to happen and yet I wanted to be my own person. What I did not realize at that time was one cannot be their own person just by one’s sexual preference. It takes more than that and I was soon to find out.
It does seem strange in introspect as to how my family reacted to my coming out. One of my aunts (who I thought to be rather funny) said, “It would have been ok if you were lesbian, I mean what can two women do with each other anyway?” I was so tempted to retort with a, “I am a man to begin with and well you have no idea what two women can do with each other in bed, do you now?”, though I held my silence. A weird experience like this one teaches you a lot and it also shows you in a very loose way as to who is on your side and who is not at the end of the day. Sadly though my mother was not on my side.
Filed under: Personal
